On June 5th 1997 I had to put to sleep my much loved, 14 year old cat, Ya'el. She had been diagnosed with cancer a few months earlier, but her health deteriorated rapidly, until I was forced to face reality and let her go.

I had found Ya'el abandoned by her mother on a sidewalk in Israel at just 4-5 weeks old. One of her favorite things to do was hang off of the door handle whenever she wanted either in or out of the house - until she got too heavy. She was a beautiful cat, looking a little tabby-like, but also a little Abasynian (sp?), with rich, dark cocoa-brown markings and a white area around her mouth and a beautiful rust colored nose. She was a very verbal cat. All I had to do was look at her and she'd meow at me. Or I'd call her name and she'd meow and come running from wherever she was in the house. She would never let you hold her however - at least not unless she wanted you to. And she was always tense, as if she had to constantly be on the alert at all times. While you held her, she never rolled onto her side, but stayed erect, ready to dart for cover at the slightest noise that might mean "danger" - whatever that might mean in her tiny brain. I think much of her hyper-vigilant nature was due to her being half wild as are most cats in Israel. She wanted love, but I don't think she knew how to recieve it - at least not in the way I thought she'd enjoy it more, but I respected her and gave her attention when she needed and wanted it. She also couldn't hold still to be petted. She was twisting, walking, turning and rubbing her head on your hand, legs or arm, or banging it on any available furniture, while you tried to give her some semblance of a pet or cuddle. She had a habit of banging her head on the under-side of the coffee table until you thought she was going to knock herself out or at least do some brain damage, but it was always pretty humorous to listen to her banging away in her happy mood - sometimes, literally, for 1-2 minutes at a time! And that's a long time to bang your head on a hard piece of wood. I have no idea what she was thinking or why she did it, but it made her unique!

But her "all-time" favorite thing to do was to walk back and forth in front of me whenever I walked, which often led me to stumble and falter all over the place while I tried to avoid killing us both.

To say the least, she was dearly loved and will be dearly missed. On that awful June 5th morning I opened my bedroom door to blood all over the house and a little pool of blood at her feet. She looked totally happy, but I was freaking out as I walked around the house looking at the blood on the walls, floor, in the food-dish, etc. It looked like she'd been slaughtered instead of the tumor on her ear rupturing. I just had to quit being selfish and let her go. This just wasn't any type of meaningful "quality of life" for her.

Needless to say, I cried all the way to the vets office when I put her to sleep and all the way home, and for days afterwards. This was my first experience with the loss of a pet.

A couple of days later, as therapy, I was cleaning the house and doing laundry. I was walking from my livingroom to the kitchen when I stumbled over what I thought was one of my other two cats. I always feel awful, because I have no desire to hurt them, so I quickly turned to apologize and go give attention to whomever had been injured, but Isaac was asleep in my grandfather's rocking chair and my other cat, Ashawn, was in the dog's bed fast asleep as well - and the dog was outside! I have hardwood floors, so there was nothing to trip on. This was definitely a trip "over" something. I felt the impact on the top of my foot. Immediately, I had the impression that Ya'eli was in the room and that she'd come to let me know she was alright. As if to say, ha, ha, this is what you get for putting me to sleep! It was an eerie feeling, but a joyful one for me as well.

Then this last Sunday night, September 21st, I felt like I was in a half-awake, half-dream state right before dawn. I looked over at my bedroom door, which is locked at night and I thought how odd it was that it appeared to be open. It was still quite dark and I was thinking how I didn't really want to be awake yet, since it obviously wasn't time to get up for work. A few seconds later I felt something jump up onto my bed and when I looked down towards the foot of the bed, there was my beloved Ya'eli coming towards me. And just like she'd always been, she couldn't hold still while I cuddled, or at least attempted to cuddle, and pet her. I was so elated to see her and touch her. It was incredibly real. I could even bury my nose in her fur. "She" was in color, very soft and very warm. I can't express the real joy that I had from being able to see her and touch her.

But the oddest thoughts went through my mind. I was thinking..."same old Ya'eli....same old expression on her face". Just as if I expected her to smile at me or talk to me. I actually felt that she could talk, but for some reason, either my being human or still of this earth, prevented that kind of communication with her.

I can only say, that as my older cat nears his time to be put to sleep, I hope that he comes to visit me often, along with Ya'el. As far as I'm concerned, they're my kids and I do and will miss them more than anyone could possible know.