The abattoir was closing, the management went broke
So redundancies were handed out to each and every bloke
So we chucked this massive party at the old top end hotel
We all went there to get blind drunk and bloody would as well
By nine o'clock the shelves were scant, we'd drank most everything
The beer was gone, the scotch, the stout, we'd even drunk the gin!
And every bloke in town was there, all sozzled, good and proper
The only bloke who wasn't there was the local bloody Copper
He was down the road, the cagey sod, his breatherliser set
The word spread quickly through the pub about this nasty threat
Hell, we could hardly walk, let alone drive, and we couldn't catch a cab
'Cause the local Taxi drivers were now on their sixteenth slab
What a dastardly dilemma, what a fearsome fix of fate
Our missuses would kill us if we staggered home too late
Then Jonesy said, Hey see that bloke at the far end of the bar?
I haven't seen him have a beer at all, tonight, so far!
So instantly the surge was on to meet this 'real top bloke'
He was suddenly everyone's 'old mate' and we bought him pots of coke
The most popular bloke in the pub he became, no longer drinking alone
Then at closing time, we slipped it in, Ahh, could you drive us buggers home?
Sure, he said, no problem. Hell, we carried him out of the pub
Wondering why, for the whole of the night we'd given this stranger the snub
We cheered him out to the carpark, twenty eight drunks, at a guess
Then all stuffed into his flash four-wheel-drive, and it was pretty bloody compressed!
There were faces pressed up against windows, we were centimeters apart
Simmo's nose was up Bluey's bum, and he prayed he did not fart
Like a can of sardines, we headed off, home would be our next stop
We were all gonna give the one finger salute to that mongrel bloody Cop
But he charged on out of the carpark, like a wounded wild bush boar
With a shirk and a screech and a great bloody wheelie, he dropped his foot flat to the floor
In ten seconds he'd reached a hundred clicks and was swerving all over the road
Our ruddy drunk faces turned ghostly white and our stomachs began to unload
Bloody Slow Down! I shouted out, Don't you know how to drive!
Na, said the bloke, I ain't got a license, then he chucked it to overdrive
Then watch your bloody car, I screamed, The way you're driving you'll roll it
Doesn't matter our driver said, It's not my car, I stole it!
Well, us poor old drunks, we near on choked, Satan was driving the car
But you can't jump out at a hundred and ten, or you'll splatter all over the tar
At least he's not drunk! whispered Jonesy, I s'pose that's one small blessing!
But of all the shocks we'd had so far, there was one far more distressing
And how come you don't drink grog? I asked, he replied I have no need.
I'm more than content with L.S.D., heroin, pot and speed!
Well, the screams from the back were awful, as we all tried to fight for the door
'Cause the fear of hitting the asphalt road didn't seem so bad anymore!
He was driving all over the bloody road, north then east then south
Playing a Jimi Hendrix cassette, with a joint hanging out of his mouth
He was sprouting some deranged theory, how we evolved from the albatross
While us poor old bastards squashed up in the back, tried making the sign of the cross!
Then he started to fill his nostrils, with a handful of fine white powder
And screamed I am invincible, I cannot die, for I am...Nicky Lauder!
Oh no, you're bloody not! I roared and you will die, by heck!
As soon as I get an inch to move, I'm gonna ring your bloody neck!
And then in the distance, we saw the town cop; help was here at last!
But he yelled out I'm glad you drunks got a ride home, then waved us poor buggers on past
We were screaming and thumping the windows, our hopes of salvation were gone
As this unlicensed, drug-crazed car-thief, went madly motoring on
Then he veered from the tar of the highway, and headed through gullies and hills
And as Lover's Leap loomed in the distance, he ate fifty Ecstasy Pills!
Well, we all found God within seconds, for we knew we were going to die
As this drug-crazed fool flew towards Lover's Leap, screaming Man, I think I can fly!!!
I realised then how it must have felt as a passenger on the Titanic
When the doors of the car burst open, under weight of sheer bloody panic
Then as the last drunk spilt from the cabin, the car shot off Lover's Leap
And for a moment we thought that the mongrel could fly ,'till he fell to a fiery heap.
So, thinking the worst was over, we staggered home at 3 A.M.
Where our wives were waiting in ambush, to try killing us buggers again
And they wondered why we were laughing, as they thrashed us and stuck in the boot
For they did not know of our death drive to hell with that drug-crazed maniac coot
So now when we drink at the local; it's not the town Copper we fear
Nor excessive consumption, of whisky or rum or beer
We fear not the threat of a punch-up, or spending the night in the clink
For the thing that we fear most greatly, is a Bastard who does not drink!!!!
Neil McArthur